Ever been torn between two loves?

So, here it is, almost Valentines day. I know a lot of men say they hate it. It's just a commercial holiday to get them to spend money, and <<gasp>> maybe be forced to speak about their feelings.

But, it can also make you think about Love. Really think about it. Did you make the right decisions in your life? How comfortable are you with your love life? Maybe you let "The One" get away. - I almost feel like that comment deserves a moment of silence.

I spoke with an old boyfriend the other day, and he said that to me. That he thinks of me as the one that got away. We are both happily married to other people now, so I was a bit surprised to hear it from him, and glad that it was just over the phone. Maybe I would have been surprised to hear it from him anyway. We had never said we loved each other, and never even dated exclusively. (it was the Eighties, and we were young)

It did make me think back over past relationships and wonder about some of them. There are different types of love and even different types of being in love. I've been lucky enough to have had a lot of love in my life. I agree that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Some people are very open and free with it. Some people are more locked up. They seem to have trouble expressing their love, while for some others, it's as natural as breathing. I, myself am a very loving person. I love people and have no trouble expressing it and showing it.

I've had a love that was very introverted about it. He had a lot of trouble even knowing how to express it. I think it was the way he was raised. In the beginning of our relationship, I wondered if he loved me or not. But he did. He loved me deeply. As deeply as he could.

I've also had a love that was more like me. He didn't have any problem at all showing it, maybe just in making me understand it when he did say it. Other people could even tell he loved me, and a lot of them knew about it before I did - the IN LOVE part. For a long time, I thought we were just friends. As it turned out, that is all we could ever be. But I did love the way he loved me. So affectionate. So much joy and fun, to know someone loves you like that. And I have to wonder, what would it have been like to be able to really enjoy that love? It's one thing to find out about it. To finally understand it. To finally see it for myself. It's humbling.

But as quick as you have those thoughts, comes the realization that it must be painful for him. He can never fully express it. He had to watch me falling in love with that someone else. I know now that he didn't know if he should try to step forward or not. He was in a precarious position. He sure didn't want to risk our friendship.

And what would I have done, if I had known it then? Would it have changed anything? I don't really have the answer to that, because I cannot ever let myself "go there." That seems like a betrayal to me. There is a fine line that must be walked, and never crossed.

I imagine it would have been scary as hell to have known about it at the time. To have had to choose. Of course it brings to mind that hauntingly beautiful song, Torn Between Two Lovers, by Mary MacGregor. I always imagined that men would hate that song. But what is the definition of lovers, really? It goes back to my saying that there are different types of loves.

If you never share an intimate kiss with someone, does that make their love for you any less? And, if you do love someone very much, but never in a carnal way, does that mean you love them less? IT could have been, - It could have been a mess.

I remember another line from that old song. "...Feeling like a fool." A huge part of me is grateful to have been spared that. But maybe there is also a part of me that is a bit curious as to what would have happened?

Now I know some of you are wondering. Is any of this true? Real life? Or is this the foundation of my next novel? My next Thriller novel?

So as this Valentines day is rolling around, for some of us it's also a time of reflection. And I think about a phrase that I often say to myself..."What's meant to be, is meant to be."

I'm not only happy to be where I am. I'm grateful for all that I have had. I am grateful for all I do have. I hope that we all have a truly Happy Valentines Day!

XXOO ~ KT Banks

PS - Someone once told me that as we age, we get invisible to the opposite sex. I'm here to tell you that is just not true.